THE START.

[3 minute read]

It's only the first quarter of 2020, and here we are: locked up in the house *queues Locked Up by Akon*.

Growing up, I wanted to live in a world like Lost so bad and now, I'm really starting to regret it.

I have to admit, it has been pretty boring shuffling from my kitchen to my living room and binge watching Love Island after work until my eyes dry out.

Though halting my creativity and diminishing my social agenda, this informally mandated quarantine has been a valuable time of self-reflection for me.

Almost a year ago, I experienced a death in my family so heartbreaking and life changing that I was left mentally and psychologically paralyzed for months. It stunted my growth personally and professionally. Yet, this experience was the one thing that provided my life's clarity.

The pieces of my life puzzle started gravitating towards one another. Over many days and weeks of reminiscing and introspection, I began to understand myself more. Except, one day I woke up wanting to start my own business.

This just wasn't me. I felt extremely uncomfortable with this thought. Confused. Nervous….

I'm not an entrepreneur. Full stop.

Was this my soon-to-be quarter life crisis?

There's this weird fad going on that everyone needs a side hustle; that being productive means having a business, making extra money or having some sort of service to show on Instagram (ironic much?). I doubted myself because I thought, "Am I doing this to 'Keep Up With The Jones'?". I doubted myself even more as a black woman and thought, "Can I really be an entrepreneur at the age of 24 with a full-time job in consulting?".

Absolutely not.

And, yet again, here I was self-deselecting.

Self-deselection, [/self/ dee-si-lek-shuhn], verb

The process of feeding yourself doubtful thoughts to ultimately remove yourself from the opportunity.

"It's not the right time."

"I have too much going on."

"I don't have the money or experience."

"I’m not going to do a good enough job to succeed."

Self-deselection is real. We do it all the time — subconsciously. It is something we as women, especially as black women, tend to do to ourselves day in and day out. For me, I told myself that I didn’t have the experience, the business tools and resources, to effectively do what I wanted to accomplish.

At the age of 6, I jumped into playing piano with no experience. But, I can read sheet music like a pro. At the age of 10, I started swimming with no experience. But, I have a pretty mean front stroke. And at the age of 21, I graduated from college, took on the world, and began my first real job with no experience. But, today, I lead teams. So, why is it that today I doubt myself when, for the majority of my life, I had been so willing and eager to try something new?

There's just something about wanting to be an entrepreneur that hits different.

Looking at all the activities in which there was so much uncertainty of the outcome, I noticed that the common denominator was structure. I've always had some sort of structure in whatever challenge I wanted to tackle. And, it was the fear of having to create my own structure to define my goals -- to define my success -- that was stopping me.

Where do I start?

Who do I talk to?

Who is going to help me?

What do I want to get out of this anyway?

These were all questions I had for myself. Full of doubt. Little did I know at the time that the answers to these questions would eventually spur into becoming the pillars and building blocks to start my own business. I just needed to answer them…myself.

As I began to answer these questions, I quickly realized that this was my entrepreneurial reference point — this was the start of my entrepreneurial journey.

For the past 8 months, I have been wandering down an unclear road, trying to start said business. Many times, hesitation, insecurity and suspicion caved in. But, the key was to just start somewhere. Anywhere. 

Michael Jordan (or Wayne Gretzky or Michael Scott) once said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So, start shooting. After all, it's only the first quarter of 2020.  

This is me, this is my story and this is where I started: with doubt. I'm here to share my unfinished entrepreneurial journey with the hope that anyone who shares similar sentiments can relate and will receive comfort knowing that you are not alone.

For those who are struggling, too, let's get through this together. As my forever FLOTUS once said, "There is no limit to what we, as women, can accomplish."

And, in light of COVID-19, I'm also here to say keep calm and wash your hands, ya nasties!

Lots of love,

Yv